Post by Shylee on Feb 7, 2009 2:11:29 GMT -5
Omggg.. Guyzz...
I've found an email I meant to send to a friend a few months ago (never did. It stayed in drafts all this time), and it's actually my "Love Story". But for the event, I'll have to make it a LOT shorter.. >_>
So I'll need your help, seeing as I'm not good at summarizing. :x
So, if you have the patient to read all that (lol. >_>), I'd appreciate the help.
Bry and Chan should read it either way, maybe you can relate (Bry), or learn something (Chan).
There it is.
~
Hmmm.. Let's see... When I was younger, I used to not care at all about relationships, about "guys", about "kisses" and such.. All I did was having fun (and that wasn't a way of "having fun" for me).. I never bothered with such things, and I haven't even see anything weird or wrong with it... I mean, I didn't even notice how all my friends, all of them are dealing with these things, and only me- not... Everyone around me was dating and stuff, and I never did.. And when ppl (who were usually friends of mine) tried to ask me out or stuff like that, I used to get really stressed about it, and used to "run away" from them (I almost ruined a lot of friendships coz of it.. xP)... Anyway, when we were at.. *counting*.. 8th grade, my ex-bf (his name was Idan) joined our boarding school, and with time we became really good friends.. Two years later, a joint friend of ours (we were all like brothers and sisters over there.. Still are) came to me and said that "Someone really likes you here, and he's gonna call you during the summer break (it was the end of the year), and he'll ask you out.. Would you like that?" And I saw how I'm gonna lose yet another friend.. I planned leaving my boarding school that year, and so, even so I can't remember my answer, I'm pretty sure I said "fine.. w/e" or something like that...
Anyway, I had a feeling it's gonna be Idan, and I wasn't very surprised when he called me when we were home... And I told him "I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna come back to school, and there's no point in going out, and that we should just stay friends.."
And he understood (that was a good save.. xP), and that's how all this thing ended..
When 11th grade year started, it took me exactly 4 days in another school to realize how much I can't be without my "family", and get back to my old and loved boarding school... And, well, me and Idan got back to the point where we were before he asked me what he did.. We stayed really good friends...
Then, a month or two later, one day, he just ignored my existence all of a sudden... I was facing him, and try to talk to him, and he ignored me like I wasn't there! He only said one sentence "Nothing is wrong.. What are you talking about?!", and that's it.. He didn't speak to me again.. Didn't even look at me... I was so hurt... I cried to Shirley (my bestest sister-like friend. Yea, we carry the same name. lol) for a long time 'til I got used to it...
That was a really good manipulative move, but I was so innocent and hurt I didn't see it (or didn't wanna see it, coz by then I was already in love with him, just didn't admit it to myself.. I think I just let things go the way he wanted them to, coz I kinda wanted them to go the same way).. So, anyway, for a whole one year (from Yom Kippur 2001 to Yom Kippur 2002.. lol), we didn't speak to each other.. Which was very hard... Seeing him everywhere and not being able to talk to him.. I was devastated the entire year.. During that year, I realised how much I love him, and how much I miss him in my life now... Shirley and Shay [who's a common friend, and his best friend, and a good friend of Shirley (lol.. Confused?! xD)] were exchanging things between him and I.. Shirley used to tell me how Idan's sorry for starting all that, and that he really wants to, but doesn't know how to come and talk to me again (coz Shay told her that), and I used to tell her how much I miss him (she transferred the info to Shay, who made sure it will get to Idan.. rofl.. Kindergarten.. xDD), and that's how the whole year had past.. With a lot of tears in between... And one day (it was like a month before our summer break), when I finally had the courage to go and talk to him, I was right in front of his room, when I heard that him and Zohar (who used to be a friend of mine, and his... And knew exactly how everyone feels.. >___<) are together..
No point to stress how frustrated, hurt, disgusted I felt... I was so broken... I didn't understand how and why...
Everyone who was involved was shocked! But no one said anything, we just kept on with our lives...
A month later, we went on our summer break, and I remember when we (some of my friends and me) had gone to visit in the village ("employees' children"), I saw him there, on his way to visit Zohar (every time with a new hair color.. Hehe.. We couldn't die our hair when we were in the boarding school, so he used to go nuts on vacations.. xP), who lived in the village with her parents, my heart got broken...
Anyway, Zohar was supposed to go on a project that year.. To go study in a high-school in the US for 6 month.. She was supposed to go from mid-summer (beginning of Aug) til the end of Jan... When we were back in school, she wasn't there... Me and Idan still haven't been speaking to each other... Although, weirdly enough, we did exchange CDs (w/o really noticing it, I guess)..
He was the only one there who listened to the same music, and same bands, as I did...
Anyway, I was busy dictatoring school.. lol.. Now when we were 12th grader, I had much more "power" than before (coz in your last year, the staff gives you a lot of freedom, and slacks a lot).. and I was quite a "bish" by then (I never really meant to be.. But I guess that's what my environment made me of... I'm not very happy with it.. Not happy with me not staying as innocent and nice as I was when I was younger, but w/e.. I guess it's a part of me, which made me who I am today.. Even though I kinda regret it, I wouldn't change it).. So, yea.. I managed to keep my mind away from Idan and Zohar for awhile...
And then, on the day we went home for Yom Kippur [we had an organized transportation, every holiday and every two weeks (for Shabbat) we were sent home], and since I lived in Tel-Aviv and he lived in Holon/Savyon (close to Tel Aviv), we were on the same bus...
We were both sitting on the last.. hmm.. bench? The end of the bus, a/w... Coz that's where 12th graders sit.. lol.. xDD
And since Tel Aviv is the last stop, we ended up just me, Maya (a friend), Revi (a friend) and him at the end of the bus (in that order)... And there were a few more ppl in the beginning of the bus.. And then, I don't remember why, something that had to do with the driver, but Revi and Maya ran to the front of the bus.. And that left me and Idan alone.. And then, all of a sudden, he was like, "sooo... Are you gonna fast on Kippur?".. A pointless question, he knew my approach toward religion, he knew we had the exact same stance about it.. We used to like "not believe in god", and alwayz preached and lecture ppl about it.. And I was like "erm.. No?!" And he's like "Orly?! Why not??!" and I was like "Coz I don't believe in this bs.......?!"
Him: "Ohh... One of ours.." with his stupid smile... lol.. And then he's like, "Are we gonna talk on the phone?" (We had that "regulation" on Yom Kippur, that we watch movies, eat snacks, and talk on the phone to each other... I guess it was like "declaring" we don't give a shiz about this "primitive and dumb religion and its rules"- I don't think like that now, obviously. I was ateenager then. =P)...
And I just simply answered "Sure thing.." I remembered his phone number at (his dad's) home by heart, which was a very odd thing, considering that no one used to use landline phones, what's more, no one bothered to memorized phone numbers ever since the cell phones' invention...
It was exactly one year. The all ignoration thingy started exactly when we came back from our Kippur "vacation" to school a year before..
Hehe... I remember when we got of the bus, and we were taking our luggages out the trunk, and Revi saw a huge pile of "instant-meals", and she was like taking it all, and starting to stuff it into her's and Maya's bags, and then she tried shoving some of them into Idan's luggage, and his reaction was so hilarious!! xDD
So, anyway, we talked as normal on Kippur's eve.. And when I say "normal", I mean normal(!), like the last year and everything that happened in it, never existed... 'Cept, now I had new fluttering friends in my belly. :>
Two days later we were back in the village, and we were distant again, but we did exchanged some words.. lol...
Lil by lil, we started talking again.. We used to l-o-v-e backgammon [all of us.. All ppl in our group (two groups for every grade), in our grade, in our school, and all ppl in Israel... lol).. That's what we used to do all the time (we didn't have comps in the village.. I mean, there was a computer room, but we couldn't have them in our dormitories.. We had a common room, where we had a TV, and we weren't allowed to have a comp in there too.. =.=).. Then my parents used to wonder how come every time I home, I'm attached to the screen... lol... That was the only problem with boarding schools.. But, I guess they had a good reason... xD
So, anyway, all we had to do is play cards and board games.. We were "too old" for the original activities that our instructors and house mothers used to make for us... And most of the students were busy studying for our Bagrut exams 24/7, anyway.. So there was no one to make those activities to... Idan, I, and some other kids were ended up playing together a lot.. And soon enough we got back to our old relationship... Walking through the village in the nights, and talking.. *Sigh* I miss these days... School (the school is also in the village, so we could alwayz walk there from our dormitories) is so much fun when it's closed at night .. xD
And then, one day, out of the blue, he, again, ignored me!! I was like "no waiiii he's doing it again!!! O__O".. I was so lost at this point... I thought I'm losing my mind.. And this time I wasn't sad, or frustrated, I was simply angry! And then, he came to me, and was like "Shir, we need to talk... I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do it again, but this time I think I should tell you at least why I'm doing it..."
And then we went somewhere quiet (very easy to find these isolated places in the village.. ^___^), and he was like "Listen, I'm sorry, but I didn't think it's gonna be the same again.. I thought that after a year, I'll forget about you, or at least, I thought I won't care about you as much, but, apparently, it's not the case.. I still love you just as much, if not even more, and I can't do it.. I can't be with you, and know that I'm not r-e-a-l-l-y with you!" (Very manipulative, isn't he?! xD).
At this point I was in tears (LOL), and all I had to shout.. I mean, say.. was "but I love you.. Don't do this!!", and he was like "Noo.. No.. Don't say it coz you don't want me to go!", and me: "But I don't! I really REALLY love you!!".. A spanish soap-opera.. lol.. And he was like "You really love me?! Then kiss me!"
He was my second kiss.. =3
I was very innocent when it came to that.. xP
And then, we were in a relationship (no "dating", no "going out".. lol.. We skipped all that. We were simply together). And everything was so geeeewwwwwd... I was so happy at that time.. Everything seemed perfect.. Lol... I remember the entire school was like shocked.. Apparently, ppl found it very odd to see me with someone.. xD
My friends used to green to me, every time they saw us... lol... Anyway, it seemed like everything's, finally, getting on the right route...
And then, Zohar came back from her project.. -.-
And the problem was, he never bothered to end his relationship with her... He told me later on that the whole thing started out of boredom.. Like, they were in his room, and talking, they were both alone, and suddenly the idea of trying to be together had rised, and that's how it started.. A few days later, he realized it was a mistake, but he didn't wanna hurt their friendship, so he decided to wait til she has to fly to Chicago, and then the whole thing will be ended up by itself... And you know what, I never knew that they didn't, officially, break up (not like I cared, or ever thought about it.. But, Iunno, it never came up in my mind).. She used to send us letters and photos, and emails, and in those, she used to tell us about the guys she was dating... So, yea, what would you understand from that?!
Anyway, when she landed, everyone went to the main gate of the village, to congratulate her, and it was then when I've realized that I'm with Idan, and she polly doesn't even know it yet.. I've recalled about the whole story, and I didn't really feel like going there and welcome her.. Idan was like "Let's just go for a few mins, it's not nice... She's your friend...".. Yea.. Right! =.=
So we went their, and the min we got there, I felt so dumb... She got outta the car, and I was like, 'What am I doing?! Why would I wanna welcome her after what she did?!'.. Idan went toward the car, with everyone else, and I turned on the spot and went back to my room, then after a few mins he came after me, and we stayed at the dormitories.. Then, he asked me if it bothers me, if Zohar anf he will be friends again... I was like "hell no.. Why would I care?!", but was telling him to not expect me to be her friend, coz "I'm not very fond of her at the moment"..
Now it's the time to tell a thing or two about Zohar... She is.. Hmmm.. A "guys' girl"... But unlike a girl who usually just hang out with the guys, she usually *dates* our guys... lol.. She was literally with every second person in our grade... Now, the most two popular guys were Alon and Idan... She tried going for Alon, at first, but him and Bar had a long story, who started at 7th grade, and Bar, unlike me, is not very compromising (to say the least.. If to be exact, she's her worst nightmare.. Not only hers, but no one dared to mess with Bar, and definitely not when it came to Alon... lol.. I <3 her so.. xD).. Now, Zohar was a very quiet person.. You know, never made scenes, was alwayz polite, and she was never in the middle of things... But, she was in our guys' asses 24/7.. You see, we were a group, as I said, like a family, and she was like an "outsider", coz she wasn't in the boarding school, she was living in the village itself... And although we were friends, she failed to understand what our family-hood means... She was hypocrite with the girls, and alwayz changed friends and sides according to what fits her position among the guys (for ex. in 7th grade, Alon and me, we had something... Nothing much.. Just like a "beginning of something", she was my "bestest friend" then... But as I said, I was never really into it, and I wasn't ready for all these things, so it ended up very quickly.. Then, Bar took over (xD), and Zohar, all of a sudden, forgot about me and Shirley, and was Bar's bestest friend... It was obvious (later on), that her aim was Alon.. He was the only guy she haven't been with.. lol... Anyway, she's not the most trusted person when it comes to your bf.. Although, she acts so innocent, and so caring... Alwayz came with chocolates and cokes to tests, and handed out to us (guys- first! ._.), and never forgot any of the guys' bdays, and alwayz invited them at her place to see movies and such..
Now, since we were with the guys (Shirley, me, Bar, Ortal), we were alwayz invited to, but we couldn't see that it was due to our relationship with them!
Took me and Shirley time to reveal her true nature (although Bar already knew it, and Ortal is still in denial.. lol)... She really does act like an angel.. =.=
All that, and the guys never saw it, obviously, our guys (like most guys I know) lack of a good (or any) intuition.. =.=
Although, when it comes to Idan, I can't tell if he *really* didn't see it, or rather he just acted like he doesn't see it...
The following months were hell on earth.. She was everywhere, alwayz tailing Idan... It was so freaking annoying!! >__<
Quick enough, I've seen what she's aiming for, and I told Idan I don't like it.. Instead of standing by my side, he used to say "she's not like that.. We're just friends... Why aren't you supportive??! She's alwayz supportive of you... She's sorry you're not friends anymore..."
And since I know Idan, and I knew he's everything but stupid, I wasn't sure if he really believes to what he's saying or just acting dumb! I mean, 'CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT SHE'S DOING???!' She went there, saying all these "nicest" things about me, like she's reaaaaallllly sorry, and realllllly likes me, and feels bad we're not friends, so he'll feel sorry about her, and I'll get out like the mean one... And what could I say??! Telling my opinion about it all would've only made her sound even more right! I was surprised he failed to see it.. I really considered him to be an intelligent guy, which he was... I just stubbornly insisted to think he'll never do such a thing to me if he's aware of what she's doing... I mean, I'd do anything for him... How come can't he do that small thing as telling her off- for me??! I mean, if the situation was the opposite, I'd absolutely do it for him, even if I wouldn't have liked losing that friend, if it had make HIM happy, I'd do it... I mean, that's what love is all about, right?! Making your spouse happy, making sure he's satisfied... ALWAYZ put him in first place...! no?! If someone is a threat for him, I'll tell him off! If he decides not be my friend anymore, it's his problem, I'll stick by my love.. Isn't that how it's supposed to be???! >____<'
I had no problem with him having "female friends"... But she wasn't JUST a female friend.. And it was obvious.. At least, to me and to Shirley it was... Shirley totally doesn't believe in "female friends" now.. lol.. She says there's no such thing.. Maybe she's right.. =\
Anyway, we started having many fights about it... One day, I went into his room, and there he was lying on his bad, and she's sitting by his side, LEANING ALL OVER HIM!! I actually felt like *I AM* disturbing them! Like *I* had to knock!!! And I was like "Sorry to disturb you...", and I closed the door and went to my room...
He was in my room 2 mins afterwards.. "What's your problem?! We were just talking!!" Now, I was very sarcastic... I mean, I am very sarcastic.. And he was very manipulative, so our fights never ended up pretty... He was trying to convince me all the time that they are just friends.. But I didn't like the idea of him talking to her for advises and stuff... I mean, why can't you talk to me?! What's different now, then before we were "together"?! We could talk before.. Why can't we do it now?! Being "together" doesn't mean we can't be as good friends as before anymore.. On the contrary, we're supposed to be even closer..!
I mean, even if he wanted an advise about me (although I believe that problems like these can be solved by talking to your spouse.. But w/e), why going to HER?! Why not talking to someone who's not trying to poison you against me?! And, of course, she said all these pretty things about me, but I'm sure that here and there, she added something that was supposed to work against me and get straight into his subconscious... He could only repeat the good things she said in my ears.. which made me even more mad, that he fails to understand my point of view.. Wth would he be so overprotective about her??! >__<
Anyway, he had a lot of ups and downs (more downs than ups), we broke up, and got back together, and then again, and again, and again.. Until one day, I've decided it's all pointless, and there's no point of letting it linger on and on, and just suffer?! So I was ending it up, and was very determined about my decision...
It's also the longest break we had.. I was just stubbornly insisting not to even discuss it anymore..
And then on day, during the weekend, we all went out to some pub (I didn't care he's there, I was complete with my decision, and I thought that "never seeing him again in front of my eyes" wasn't gonna make anything easier, or more difficult... I wanted to cope with it rather I see him or not...
That night I got home at 5:00 in the morning, and my dad was playing his comp.. lol.. "Why so late?! I told you I need the car... bla bla bla.." I was on my way to bed, and then I got a phone call from Shay "Shirley, you HAVE TO get here!! He's drunk, and he's crying, and he's walking to your home by foot!!" (that's like from one city to the other.. -.-)...
And I was so mad.. I was tired, and I didn't like all this drama.. It was so stupid, how guys used to get drunk, and act like that whenever their gfs broke up with them.. ._.
Very annoyed, I took the keys again, my dad was deep in his game, he didn't even notice.. Thank god.. And I was on my way to "save the freakin day"...
When I got to his house, no one was there, and neither him nor Shay answered my calls, which got me even more mad...
And then, when I was about to get back to my car, I saw them getting out of another car that's just pulled over... And Shay looked very disturbed (which actually made me giggle).. And Idan.. *Sigh*Lameee... =.=
I had to draw him to bed, which was prolly what he wanted.. Coz once I'm at his house, he won't let me leave until we get back together... And that's exactly what happened.. And then we fell asleep, and I didn't even feel like answering my dad's calls.. I was sure he's hella worried, but I didn't feel like dealing with the "I told you I need the car.. Don't you care about other ppl's needs??!" lectures... lol.. He liked lecturing about caring for others... xDD
Ohh.. Great! Now I miss my dad.. x'(
Anyway, after that day, Iunno why, but it was like Zohar totally got out of our life... Everything was good again, and we were happy again...
Now, the end of the year as arrived, and he was supposed to fly to FL to his mom (his mom left to FL a year earlier.. To live by her family, with his brother and sister, while he stayed by his dad til school was over). And I was supposed to go to NY to visit my family.. Of course, it was alwayz just talking, I never really cared if I go to NY or not... But when it was sure that he's going to FL, it was sure for me that I'm going to NY... lol.. And we decided to meet in the states... He had to leave right when school ended, coz he had a.. hmm... well, in Heb, it's a "mobilization order".. I think that's the phrase... for July 14, I think, something like that... And if he stayed after that, they wouldn't let him leave the country.. He is a deserter, btw, which means that if he goes back to Israel now, he's automatically goes to jail.. xP
Anyway, I had a lot of time til my recruitment, coz I was younger than anyone by a year (I skipped a year when I was a kid), and you can't draft to the military before the age of 18.. Anyway, I was supposed to be in NY a month later, and it was dragged to two month.. I think my dad was trying to make sure that I'm going to NY to be with my family, and not to be with him.. lol.. Although my dad wasn't the kind of dad who's like "threatening" his daughter's bf or something. On the contrary, he acted really cool when they met. So did my mom.. My dad alwayz said he trusts me and my judgment, and if someone is good enough for me, he's definitely good enough for him.. But, he just didn't like the idea of his lil' girl going to a far-away country.. What's more, to be with people he doesn't know.. He only let me go coz I promised to stay by my aunt.. lol...
Anyway, Idan called me every single day, and we talked on the phone for hours... Whoa... I've just recalled of those months... We used to go out e-v-e-r-y night.. We used to go with like 4-5 cars at least, and every night we used to say "Goshhh.. If only Idan was here.. He's so missing here.."
Anywayyyyy... It was two months that I haven't seen him... In the beginning I couldn't wait to see him again.. I was alwayz so anxious, excited, sad, lonely, everything.. And with time, I kinda got used to it.. I mean, it's not like I stopped loving him.. I never did.. But I kinda got used to be far from him, and I wasn't in such a hurry to see him again face to face.. He was in my heart, and it was kinda enough for me... And we did talk every day...
Hehe.. I remember he told me he had a dream in which I cheat on him with the pool's cleaner.. And I was like "wth??!", why would I wanna look at anyone else but you?!" And he was like "I knooo.. But let's just never have them pool guys, k?".. xDD
Anyway, I was here in September, and I had a week to be with my family before he came... I got to meet all the people I talked to on the phone, and on messneger/paltalk for years.. I fell in love with my family.. lol.. I finally knew what a "family", and what "holidays with the family" (well, that part came a lil later, coz there were no holidays right after I landed here) mean... But I finally knew what a great thing a "big family" is... In Israel, I have my parents and brothers (we never kept holidays at home.. I mean, we did when I was lil, but it was never as official as it is here, and when I grew up, I refused to celebrate any of them... And my parents never argued with me.. I just did what I wanted.. I feel sorry for not celebrating these holidays with my family.. =\), and an aunt and uncle and two (now three) cousins who lives in the north of Israel, and we hardly get to see them.. I'm in a good close relationship with my cousin, though, only because we're a-l-w-a-y-s online and talking... But there's no much difference in this case rather I'm here or there... And my mom's two brothers are never in touch.. One was always moving; Israel-the Czech Republic (coz his wife is Czechoslovakian, and since she wasn't Jewish, they had a lot of problems getting her a blue ID, so he wasn't much in Israel in the last few years, and I don't have a strong connection to him)... And I haven't seen my cousins from his first wife since like.. 1996?! lol...
The other brother had a big fight with my grandma once, and they haven't been speaking for a few years.. My mom was on my grandma's "side", so I haven't seen neither him nor his kids for many years too... I don't think I'll even recognize them if I see them today.. =T
Anyway, I was fascinated by everything.. I also got a job two days after I landed.. My cousin's husband's cousin had a diamonds wholesale office.. They just opened that office.. It's a branch, actually.. The main office is in Israel, and she needed someone to help her, so I was working there with her (for two month, til she got on my nerves, and I moved to the Empires, and worked as a bookkeeper.. For Syrian Jews... lol.. I had the time of my life there.. xD)..
So during this week, I was in a sort of shock, I guess, so when Idan came, I wasn't even ready for him.. It was like I forgot he's supposed to come, and he surprised me...
When he finally came, after a week, his aunt drove him to my aunt's house... He called me, and said he's outside.. Omg.. Omgggg... When I got out, and saw him... I can't even describe the feeling.. I'm excited just from thinking about the f-e-e-l-i-n-g... Both he and I were in tears...
We spend the next month together... Sleeping by my family or his...
And then, as time for him to leave drew near, he started talking to me about "the future".. It was kinda a mix of the "near future", and the "distant future"...
He started talking to me about what we're gonna do next.. Like how are we gonna keep being together if he's in FL, and I'm in NY.. I was hella stubborn, and I wouldn't except the "distance is a problem" statement.. I was suggesting to move with him to FL, and he said it's unrealistic, and that I should focus now on the things I HAVE to do (I wanted to postponed my military service, and go to school), and that he wouldn't wanna be the one I'll "blame for ruining my life" years later.. I thought he was being a jerk for saying something like that.. He said he had to support his mom, and he can't leave her and move to NY right now (then), and that he has to get into the family business..
(They deal with diamonds too.. from the raw version of it, to jewelry stores.. When I worked with my relative, we used to exchange information, and he taught me a lot of things... You know what.. I think that's one of the materials I love the most.. It's weird.. Coz I don't consider myself to be materialistic.. But diamonds fascinates me.. To levels I can just sit and stare at them for hours...)..
Anyway, I thought it was all excuses, I didn't even stop to think where he's going to with all that.. You'd prolly think he'd wanna break up, but then, on the other hand, he was starting to argue with me on how he wants to raise our kids (...!), he was saying he wants to celebrate holidays with the kids, and he wants to have a traditional way of life.. I thought he lost his mind.. We were ALWAYZ against religion!! Wth has happened to him??! All of a sudden he wants to have holidays?! And a "traditional" way of life??! I was saying that won't EVER happen in my house! lol.. I was saying I'd give my kids the freedom to decide rather they wanna be religious or not (adding "I do not mind if they decide they wanna be religious, although it will hurt me.." rofl), but I'm not gonna *force* it on them.. And he said I'm talking nonsense, and that's not forcing, but just having a family togetherness, like we're supposed to have as Jews.. And I was like "JEWS??! O___O".. We used to say we're Atheistics/Agnostics.. What happened to that??! He told me that holidays with the family are a wonderful thing, and that he just found out about it lately.. I didn't understand that back then.. Of course, now I agree with every word... It's the best thing anyone can have.. Jewish holidays (any holidays, actually), and tradition, and family values! Now that I know what all that means, I'm never gonna give it up.. I want my kids to experience it.. To have that thing I didn't have as a kid... Or actually, I had, and was just too young to remember... Anyway, to the point... He started talking to me about how we're gonna live, and bla bla bla... One day, we we're sitting outside somewhere.. On a pavement, and he was like "Shir... You know what my aunt told me?!"
- "Hmm?"
- "She asked me; 'D'you love her?' I said 'Yes'.. 'Do you r-e-a-l-l-y love her??' I sad 'YES!'.. 'Then marry her!'"
I'm not sure what I thought at that moment, but I think I was in a real shock, coz I can't remember the rest of the conversation.. I don't know what I say, or how I reacted, but I don't think I felt so good at that moment... And I think it was shown... I prolly said something about "what my parents will say... bla bla bla?!"
Of course, when after I had time to digest it, I thought it was the best idea! But that was too late... And maybe it was good that it was too late to change my reaction... My life could have turned up totally different now, and I don't think they'd have been better... Quite the opposite, actually...
After that day, he started raising that question, of what we're gonna do, more and more.. I couldn't stand talking about it... And so we kept delaying it.. Then, on the night before his flight, we were sleeping by his aunt.. She was supposed to drop me by the subway, and then take him to the airport... In the middle of the night he woke me up, and tried talking about what we're gonna do, again! I couldn't see what's so urgent, and I got really sad with the idea, plus, I was really tired.. I just started crying, and I started packing my stuff, in order to go home.. So he said he's sorry, and we should go back to sleep.. In the morning, we had breakfast, and me, in the idea of 'I'm gonna see him again soon' kissed him briefly, and left with his aunt.. Now, I'll never know if he had a tear, or it was yet another time when his eye's tearing by itself (he had that prob with those glands.. You know, when you start tearing randomly).. *Sigh* Who knew that's gonna be the last time I'll ever see him..
He didn't call me when he got home.. And I was getting an email from Zohar.. Saying she was talking to him, and a few other things.. I can't believe I didn't see it then, but now years later, when I was recalling of that moment (coz I totally forgot about it soon after it happened), she did something.. She had a big role in the fact he didn't call me, and yet, he did talk to *her*.. And she was intentionally sending me this email, in order for me to have a fight with him over it... And that's exactly what I did.. Well, I didn't fight with him over it.. But I was quite hurt, that he talked to her, and not to me... He was calling me the next day.. Saying he was tired, and he fell asleep.. Of course I immediately raised the fact that he was talking to Zohar, so how come he couldn't take a min to talk to me too?! I don't remember his answer, but I slacked him for it... I did took it hard though.. Now, when I recall of it, it could have been that he was really innocent about it all, and it was her who was calling him, and Iunno what happened in their conv, but it might have been that he was saying he's going to sleep, and she was concluding from it he's not gonna talk to me anytime soon, and thought of sending that email to sadden me... Otherwise, for what reason would she email me?! She never emailed me before... Not since her home-coming dance in Chicago, which was a year before, and even then, it was an email she sent to everyone, and she never emailed me afterwards.. So, for what purpose was that email sent?! I replied to her, nicely (._.), and she never got back to me.. Idan was telling me she's trying to keep in touch with me, and why won't I answer her emails... What an ass... -.-
I thought it would be pointless to let him know what really happens.. He was obviously overprotective about her for a reason I couldn't understand.. I still can't..
Anyway, we kept talking to each other over the phone for like a week or two, and then I started hearing this apathy in his voice.. so I asked him "what's wrong?!"
- "Nothing.."
- "So why d'you sound like that?"
- "Like how?"
- "Like you're doing me a favor you're talking..."
- "..."
- "..."
- "Shir, it's hard for me..."
- "OMG! Not that again........"
- "What?! Can't you understand??! Isn't it hard for you too???! It's immposible to be together when we live that far from each other..."
- "But we can see each other on weekends!!"
- "Shir, be realistic.. We can't just fly every weekend.. Not even every two weeks..."
- "So what do you wanna do??! You wanna break up??! Fine! W/e!"
- "Nooo.. I don't wanna do it like that!!"
- "W/E! I'd rather not be with you, then feel like I'm forcing you to be with me!"
- "Shir, pleaseee.. Maybe in a few years, when we're both settled... Maybe then we meet and we can go on.. But now.. We can't do it..."
- "Fine.."
- "I wanna still be friends.. I wanna keep in touch.."
- "W/e... Fine..."
And we ended this phone call with a decision of keeping in touch, as friends.. I don't think I've realized what it meant.. Maybe I was in a denial.. I was sad, but not as sad as I should have been... I was more pissed, than sad, tbh...
We kept talking on the phone, as friends, and soon enough he started telling me about all these girls, that come to him, and do things to him, things that really turns him on.. I'm disgusted with the idea he had the nerves to tell me such things, and even more disgusted with the content of these things... But then, I was in love, and I didn't see it like that.. I just got hurt, and absorbed it quietly... He kept asking me, every now and then, how do I feel about it all.. If it's okay with me he's telling me all that.. I think he did it on purpose.. Trying to get me hurt enough in a way I'll forget about him... It's kinda our guys' way of getting girls to unlike them and getting themselves to unlike the girls.. It's retarded, but that's what they're all doing.. They think that if they hurt you, and you walk away, it will be easier for them to cope... Of course, it doesn't get the results they want, but only makes things harder... w/e...
Anyway, that's how it has been going on for a month.. And in the end, I couldn't bare it anymore... I've sent him a longass email (and as you can see, my emails can be l-o-n-g.. Although it was much shorter than this one.. xD), telling him how much I love him, and I know we agreed on staying friends, but I just want him to know that I love him, and he'll alwayz have a place in my heart, and bla bla...
*Sigh*
He called me the next day..
- "After such an email, I awe you the truth..."
- "... What truth?"
- "Nevermind.."
- "Nuu.. Idan, what are you talking about?"
- "Hmm.. I don't know how to say it.."
- "Just do..."
- "Well.. I've been cheating on you with Zohar... Once..."
- "..."
- "How do you feel about it?"
- "Nothing... It's irrelevant now.. Since we're not together anymore, I got nothing to do with this new information..."
My heart was, as you may guess, torn into pieces at that very moment, and I was on the verge of tears that didn't come out.. I just couldn't say anything.. I was in he biggest shock of my life.. He convinced me so well, that there's nothing going on between them.. So well, til I finally believed with all my heart that it's the truth... And, Iunno, it seems like to most people cheating is an insignificant thing.. For me, it isn't at all! For me, it's like the worst thing anyone could do to a person he loves! I mean, I never looked at anyone else.. Never even faced a situation where I'm considering such a thing, not even a situation where I had to say to myself "No, I love him.. I can't do it to him..." It was like a default thing in me.. "I love him.. I'm with him.. I don't care about anyone else (not in the romantic aspect, anyway).. Period." Never had to think twice.. Never cared about these things... Never such a thought has crossed my mind.. The idea itself never accured to me... So to hear something like that.. After I believed with all my heart that he loves me, and would never do such a disrespectful, harmful thing that will only make me feel inferior to her... Why would someone do such a thing to a person he loves?! Why would he let me feel inferior to someone else?! Doesn't he supposed to make me feel like I'm better than anyone else?! Doesn't he care?! Maybe guys (or girls) don't think through their actions that far.. Giving up for that lust, or whatever it is that makes them do such things.. But, Iunno, I think that if you love someone, you shouldn't even face such a situation to begin with.. Maybe if their heads are like really blank, and that's the only thing that can fill the empty space.. =\
I think there are two types of people- cheaters, and loyal people- And by loyal people, I don't mean people who ponder about cheating, and then have to somehow make themselves not to.. By loyal people, I mean people who don't even have that idea rising in their heads- ever! I mean, I have my head focusing on like a million other things that interest me... When will I even have time for such a ridiculous topic?! People say I'm naive... Saying "all guys are like that".. I refuse to believe it's true... I know there are people who aren't like that, coz *I* am NOT like that, and it can't be that I'm the only one in this whole freakin planet who's like that, right?! So there must be more people who are the same.. Then there's alwayz this stupid answer "But you're a girl.. You don't know how a guy's mind work.."
Errrr.. Like girls don't cheat!! Just as there are girls who cheat, and there are piles of them, there are guys who do not! >__<
I can't accept another truth, coz that would be like accepting I'll never be happy again.. I don't wanna believe in that.. That's all I live for... I want a family.. I want a good family.. Not one that will break down after a few or many years of marriage.. If that's really the case, then what am I living for?! For being alone all my life??!
Great now, I'm tearing!! Dx
Errr.. I hate being so emotional.. >___<
So anyway, my point is that there should be another base for things- Loyalty. Loyal people with loyal people. Cheaters with cheaters. No mixing up between the two.
And now back to the conversation..
So, yea, I had my heart pounding, and I started feeling that ache, like your heart is getting smaller and smaller, and tighter.. til you can hardly breathe...
He mumbled something about not telling her he told me that, coz she'll feel bad, and it's not her fault, and that she deeply regretted it... Pfft... And then he went on, thinking I'm taking it easy...
- "Okayyy... So there's one more thing..."
'One more thing?! what can be worse than that??!' I was thinking...
- "... What is it?"
- "Nevermind..."
- "Nu.. Idan, you already said you got something, so just say it!"
- "Fine... Fine... A few month after we first slept together... I only stayed with you for the sex..."
At that moment, I couldn't breath, I couldn't move, I didn't feel my body... My tears finally found their way out.. They were still inside struggling to get out from the first bomb he dropped on me, that now looked like a tiny tiny cap...
I don't know what I said.. I think he asked me 'what I feel about it' again, but I'm not sure... I was trying to hide my voice, I remember that.. But I think I was focusing on it too much, that I couldn't concentrate on what I was saying, and therefore, I don't remember the end of the conversation... Or rather I mix up this reaction with my reaction to his first confession.. Tbh, I can't remember if I was still holding the handset...
The conversation ended somehow... Apparently, with a decision to keep being "just friends"! Iunno why the hell was such a decision made.. But we did keep talking afterwards...
In the following two weeks, I swear, if my family wasn't there, and I haven't felt so ashamed, I hadn't had been moved outta bed at all..
The following day, I had to drag myself to work.. I looked like hell, and I got their in my trainings, my relative went totally confuzzled... I told her I don't feel good, and I think I'm sick... And she said I can't appear in trainings.. You see, I was her manager, part of my job was to transfer diamonds from one place to the another, and meet with clients (as a representative of the office, I could definitely not appear like that to work).. This week was the hardest week in my life.. I had to force myself do general stuff, that usually I used to do without any problem.. It was a hell for me... When I wasn't at work, I was in bed, and over the weekends, I didn't join my family on their trips, I just stayed in bed all day... I didn't even cry... I just stayed their either asleep or watching numbly at.. something...
The weird thing is that in one day, it was all gone! Like I fell asleep one night, and in the following morning I was a new person.. Although, ever since then I suffer from seasonal depressions.. I don't know if it has something to do with that.. But I thought about it one time, why am I having these depressions (that's when I figured out I'm not supposed to experience such feelings.. I mean, those feelings aren't a normal thing in people's everyday lives).. I mean, I've noticed they just pop out of the blue.. Like, sure, there's gotta be something that would trigger them, but it can be such a minor thing, that usually won't bother me at all, but on those specific times, gets me in such a down, which leads to a serious depression.. When I thought about it, I couldn't think of even one case before that "pleasant" moment, that I was depressed.. I was sad a lot of times, but I was never depressed to a level I couldn't get outta bed, or had thoughts of killing myself... Oh, well.. Iunno if that's the cause, but.. w/e...
So, as I said, we kept in touch, and I wasn't as sad as before when I talked to him.. At times I was even disgusted... I thought everything I had to him has faded in these two weeks.. I was wrong, obviously, but then it was much easier for me to talk to him.. I was prolly in a denial.. But I was happy, nevertheless...
I went out at him one time, but it was only for a moment, and then I calmed down... I was saying how could he do such a thing?! I was a pure girl, and he just came and "stained" me.. When I was younger, I was living in a pink bubble of the first person I'll be with, will also be the last one... It was like he ruined that dream... It was so hard to make peace with this fact... He, on his behalf, claimed that "it was one time! And we were high! We never meant for it to happen!" And "I did love you, but in the end, it felt like that's the only thing left!" He was trying to soften things, but he actually made everything worse, coz if before I had a doubt, and thought he might have said everything just coz he tried hurting me, now this doubt was totally gone, coz what he was saying now, made much more sense.. I mean, the way he was saying it- He sounded much more sincere... We kept in touch for the next few month, in the end of them, I told him I'm going back to Israel to do my military service.. I had a date to my recruitment already.. April '04! =}
And I was so excited.. All my friends were serving by then, and they all had these special experiences, and all knew how to use a M-16 (lol.. too much video games makes you excited over these things. xD), and all had a really good time, and good laughs over there.. I couldn't wait to start my own service..
That was our last conversation.. Ohh.. No.. The last one was after I was already in Israel, I've heard from Tamir, or Shay, or someone, that he had an accident, and went through a surgery (a plastic one, from what I've understood)... Well, in the beginning I kinda rejoiced at his downfall..
You know, one time when we were still together in Israel, I was asking him "Idan, what will happen if.. let's say.. I go through an accident, and I lose a leg or an arm, or my entire face will get twisted... Will you still be with me and love me? Or will you leave me? Or will you stay with me out of pity?", and he just looked annoyed and said "What with these nonsense.. I don't wanna think about such things...", and then I said "If such a thing will happen to you, if you lose an arm, a leg or your entire face, I'd still be with you, and love you, coz I really really love you.. I know that now.."
Anyway, after feeling a lil' ''serves you, Idan!', I felt kinda bad for him, and for me feeling like that, and I called him to check how he is... He told me what happened, that he and two friends were on the jet ski, and he was "driving", and they were too many, and all of a sudden there was a big wave, and he lost control, and flew in the air, and dropped right on the jet ski, banged his head, and lost consciousness in the water... The next thing he remembers was him waking up on the beach, surrounded by ppl, and having a weird feeling in his face... And then he realized he got no teeth.. He wasn't really talking about his face itself, so I'm not sure rather he was really going through a plastic surgery or it was just a rumor.. But that didn't matter in the dream I had a few months later (yea.. months.. I kept loving him for the next 3 years after that.. 3 years, that ended up just 3 months before I arrived at the states again, actually.. Although it wasn't sequential, and most of the time I kept living my life without even thinking about him, he did come up in my head every now and then, 'specially when I had to face romantic issues)...
I was dreaming we're all sitting in our common room, watching TV, talking and laughing.. The place is noisy like alwayz, and then, Idan enters the room all of a sudden... His hair is all burnt out, and he has those bald spots all over.. And his face are totally scarred and nothing looks like it's in its original place, and his clothes are all torn, and dirty, like he came out of a fire.. Not an accident in the water.. lol..
And he came to me and said that he's sorry for everything he did to me, and for everything he said, and that they were never true, and that he only said them coz he thought it will help us both dropping this relationship, and that he never meant them, and that he loves me, and that he can't keep living like that.. And then, he proposed to me... And if it was possible to cry in a dream, I'd be soaked with tears by then, and I said "Yes"... And that's how I know that when I told him, I'd alwayz love him, no matter what, it was a real honest feeling, that came from a deep place in my heart...
I made a lot of mistakes in this relationship, I'm well aware of them (of most of them, if not of all).. I was a whiny, arrogant, annoyingly stubborn bish, who never knew how exactly to "give" in a relationship.. I'm not saying everything that happened was my fault, don't get me wrong.. But looking back, maybe he was right, maybe nothing was really left there, 'cept for.. nothing.. I can't even remember anymore... Maybe all that was really left was my image of love, and the feeling of love in me for something that wasn't there anymore.. Maybe it wasn't *him* that I couldn't get over, maybe it was *that* feeling... I'm not sure if that's how things were really, or I was just repeating what he said so many times in my head, that I actually started believing in them myself..
I was so young and immature... My whole perspective in life was immature, and I was still insisting that I know better than anyone.. I guess that's a part of being a teenager.. ._.
I had my conclusions, and I've learnt a lot from my mistakes, I believe.. Maybe this relationship wasn't a waste after all... And anyway, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, right? Even if a lil depressed every now and then.. xD
Gosh, I've been through so much later on, and I never forgot about him... Every time I saw a picture, or someone was raising his name, I had that "eclipse of the heart".. And the fact that the Zohar-Idan story never came to an end, and for some reason everyone felt like they should inform me of every stupid little detail about them, didn't help much... But I think that now I'm in a point where I can't say with all my heart, that I'm over it.. Finally..
Although, to be perfectly honest, I do still think sometimes what it would be like if we ever meet again.. xP
But the version of this "meeting" ever changes.. And now, not only that I find myself thinking about it v-e-r-y rarely, but also, I can't even think about what might happen, it's more like I'm being lazy of thinking of such unimportant things... I think it says a lot about where I'm standing now when it comes to him..
Even with all that said, I hope to fall in love again.. Coz it's a really great feeling.. And after having it, now having my heart all available, makes me feel lonely... =[
~
Well, fuk. I just re-read it all. ._.
It sounds really bad, coz I didn't take my time to talk about all the good things that were in our relationship. It might look like there was no love there at all- on his side. There was. I can assure you, he was in love with me. Maybe he really didn't at the very end of our relationship, but he was very much in love through the all thing. We had a really good time, like every other in love couple.
Edit: Rofl. I've just realised how long this shit is! XDD
I've found an email I meant to send to a friend a few months ago (never did. It stayed in drafts all this time), and it's actually my "Love Story". But for the event, I'll have to make it a LOT shorter.. >_>
So I'll need your help, seeing as I'm not good at summarizing. :x
So, if you have the patient to read all that (lol. >_>), I'd appreciate the help.
Bry and Chan should read it either way, maybe you can relate (Bry), or learn something (Chan).
There it is.
~
Hmmm.. Let's see... When I was younger, I used to not care at all about relationships, about "guys", about "kisses" and such.. All I did was having fun (and that wasn't a way of "having fun" for me).. I never bothered with such things, and I haven't even see anything weird or wrong with it... I mean, I didn't even notice how all my friends, all of them are dealing with these things, and only me- not... Everyone around me was dating and stuff, and I never did.. And when ppl (who were usually friends of mine) tried to ask me out or stuff like that, I used to get really stressed about it, and used to "run away" from them (I almost ruined a lot of friendships coz of it.. xP)... Anyway, when we were at.. *counting*.. 8th grade, my ex-bf (his name was Idan) joined our boarding school, and with time we became really good friends.. Two years later, a joint friend of ours (we were all like brothers and sisters over there.. Still are) came to me and said that "Someone really likes you here, and he's gonna call you during the summer break (it was the end of the year), and he'll ask you out.. Would you like that?" And I saw how I'm gonna lose yet another friend.. I planned leaving my boarding school that year, and so, even so I can't remember my answer, I'm pretty sure I said "fine.. w/e" or something like that...
Anyway, I had a feeling it's gonna be Idan, and I wasn't very surprised when he called me when we were home... And I told him "I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna come back to school, and there's no point in going out, and that we should just stay friends.."
And he understood (that was a good save.. xP), and that's how all this thing ended..
When 11th grade year started, it took me exactly 4 days in another school to realize how much I can't be without my "family", and get back to my old and loved boarding school... And, well, me and Idan got back to the point where we were before he asked me what he did.. We stayed really good friends...
Then, a month or two later, one day, he just ignored my existence all of a sudden... I was facing him, and try to talk to him, and he ignored me like I wasn't there! He only said one sentence "Nothing is wrong.. What are you talking about?!", and that's it.. He didn't speak to me again.. Didn't even look at me... I was so hurt... I cried to Shirley (my bestest sister-like friend. Yea, we carry the same name. lol) for a long time 'til I got used to it...
That was a really good manipulative move, but I was so innocent and hurt I didn't see it (or didn't wanna see it, coz by then I was already in love with him, just didn't admit it to myself.. I think I just let things go the way he wanted them to, coz I kinda wanted them to go the same way).. So, anyway, for a whole one year (from Yom Kippur 2001 to Yom Kippur 2002.. lol), we didn't speak to each other.. Which was very hard... Seeing him everywhere and not being able to talk to him.. I was devastated the entire year.. During that year, I realised how much I love him, and how much I miss him in my life now... Shirley and Shay [who's a common friend, and his best friend, and a good friend of Shirley (lol.. Confused?! xD)] were exchanging things between him and I.. Shirley used to tell me how Idan's sorry for starting all that, and that he really wants to, but doesn't know how to come and talk to me again (coz Shay told her that), and I used to tell her how much I miss him (she transferred the info to Shay, who made sure it will get to Idan.. rofl.. Kindergarten.. xDD), and that's how the whole year had past.. With a lot of tears in between... And one day (it was like a month before our summer break), when I finally had the courage to go and talk to him, I was right in front of his room, when I heard that him and Zohar (who used to be a friend of mine, and his... And knew exactly how everyone feels.. >___<) are together..
No point to stress how frustrated, hurt, disgusted I felt... I was so broken... I didn't understand how and why...
Everyone who was involved was shocked! But no one said anything, we just kept on with our lives...
A month later, we went on our summer break, and I remember when we (some of my friends and me) had gone to visit in the village ("employees' children"), I saw him there, on his way to visit Zohar (every time with a new hair color.. Hehe.. We couldn't die our hair when we were in the boarding school, so he used to go nuts on vacations.. xP), who lived in the village with her parents, my heart got broken...
Anyway, Zohar was supposed to go on a project that year.. To go study in a high-school in the US for 6 month.. She was supposed to go from mid-summer (beginning of Aug) til the end of Jan... When we were back in school, she wasn't there... Me and Idan still haven't been speaking to each other... Although, weirdly enough, we did exchange CDs (w/o really noticing it, I guess)..
He was the only one there who listened to the same music, and same bands, as I did...
Anyway, I was busy dictatoring school.. lol.. Now when we were 12th grader, I had much more "power" than before (coz in your last year, the staff gives you a lot of freedom, and slacks a lot).. and I was quite a "bish" by then (I never really meant to be.. But I guess that's what my environment made me of... I'm not very happy with it.. Not happy with me not staying as innocent and nice as I was when I was younger, but w/e.. I guess it's a part of me, which made me who I am today.. Even though I kinda regret it, I wouldn't change it).. So, yea.. I managed to keep my mind away from Idan and Zohar for awhile...
And then, on the day we went home for Yom Kippur [we had an organized transportation, every holiday and every two weeks (for Shabbat) we were sent home], and since I lived in Tel-Aviv and he lived in Holon/Savyon (close to Tel Aviv), we were on the same bus...
We were both sitting on the last.. hmm.. bench? The end of the bus, a/w... Coz that's where 12th graders sit.. lol.. xDD
And since Tel Aviv is the last stop, we ended up just me, Maya (a friend), Revi (a friend) and him at the end of the bus (in that order)... And there were a few more ppl in the beginning of the bus.. And then, I don't remember why, something that had to do with the driver, but Revi and Maya ran to the front of the bus.. And that left me and Idan alone.. And then, all of a sudden, he was like, "sooo... Are you gonna fast on Kippur?".. A pointless question, he knew my approach toward religion, he knew we had the exact same stance about it.. We used to like "not believe in god", and alwayz preached and lecture ppl about it.. And I was like "erm.. No?!" And he's like "Orly?! Why not??!" and I was like "Coz I don't believe in this bs.......?!"
Him: "Ohh... One of ours.." with his stupid smile... lol.. And then he's like, "Are we gonna talk on the phone?" (We had that "regulation" on Yom Kippur, that we watch movies, eat snacks, and talk on the phone to each other... I guess it was like "declaring" we don't give a shiz about this "primitive and dumb religion and its rules"- I don't think like that now, obviously. I was ateenager then. =P)...
And I just simply answered "Sure thing.." I remembered his phone number at (his dad's) home by heart, which was a very odd thing, considering that no one used to use landline phones, what's more, no one bothered to memorized phone numbers ever since the cell phones' invention...
It was exactly one year. The all ignoration thingy started exactly when we came back from our Kippur "vacation" to school a year before..
Hehe... I remember when we got of the bus, and we were taking our luggages out the trunk, and Revi saw a huge pile of "instant-meals", and she was like taking it all, and starting to stuff it into her's and Maya's bags, and then she tried shoving some of them into Idan's luggage, and his reaction was so hilarious!! xDD
So, anyway, we talked as normal on Kippur's eve.. And when I say "normal", I mean normal(!), like the last year and everything that happened in it, never existed... 'Cept, now I had new fluttering friends in my belly. :>
Two days later we were back in the village, and we were distant again, but we did exchanged some words.. lol...
Lil by lil, we started talking again.. We used to l-o-v-e backgammon [all of us.. All ppl in our group (two groups for every grade), in our grade, in our school, and all ppl in Israel... lol).. That's what we used to do all the time (we didn't have comps in the village.. I mean, there was a computer room, but we couldn't have them in our dormitories.. We had a common room, where we had a TV, and we weren't allowed to have a comp in there too.. =.=).. Then my parents used to wonder how come every time I home, I'm attached to the screen... lol... That was the only problem with boarding schools.. But, I guess they had a good reason... xD
So, anyway, all we had to do is play cards and board games.. We were "too old" for the original activities that our instructors and house mothers used to make for us... And most of the students were busy studying for our Bagrut exams 24/7, anyway.. So there was no one to make those activities to... Idan, I, and some other kids were ended up playing together a lot.. And soon enough we got back to our old relationship... Walking through the village in the nights, and talking.. *Sigh* I miss these days... School (the school is also in the village, so we could alwayz walk there from our dormitories) is so much fun when it's closed at night .. xD
And then, one day, out of the blue, he, again, ignored me!! I was like "no waiiii he's doing it again!!! O__O".. I was so lost at this point... I thought I'm losing my mind.. And this time I wasn't sad, or frustrated, I was simply angry! And then, he came to me, and was like "Shir, we need to talk... I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do it again, but this time I think I should tell you at least why I'm doing it..."
And then we went somewhere quiet (very easy to find these isolated places in the village.. ^___^), and he was like "Listen, I'm sorry, but I didn't think it's gonna be the same again.. I thought that after a year, I'll forget about you, or at least, I thought I won't care about you as much, but, apparently, it's not the case.. I still love you just as much, if not even more, and I can't do it.. I can't be with you, and know that I'm not r-e-a-l-l-y with you!" (Very manipulative, isn't he?! xD).
At this point I was in tears (LOL), and all I had to shout.. I mean, say.. was "but I love you.. Don't do this!!", and he was like "Noo.. No.. Don't say it coz you don't want me to go!", and me: "But I don't! I really REALLY love you!!".. A spanish soap-opera.. lol.. And he was like "You really love me?! Then kiss me!"
He was my second kiss.. =3
I was very innocent when it came to that.. xP
And then, we were in a relationship (no "dating", no "going out".. lol.. We skipped all that. We were simply together). And everything was so geeeewwwwwd... I was so happy at that time.. Everything seemed perfect.. Lol... I remember the entire school was like shocked.. Apparently, ppl found it very odd to see me with someone.. xD
My friends used to green to me, every time they saw us... lol... Anyway, it seemed like everything's, finally, getting on the right route...
And then, Zohar came back from her project.. -.-
And the problem was, he never bothered to end his relationship with her... He told me later on that the whole thing started out of boredom.. Like, they were in his room, and talking, they were both alone, and suddenly the idea of trying to be together had rised, and that's how it started.. A few days later, he realized it was a mistake, but he didn't wanna hurt their friendship, so he decided to wait til she has to fly to Chicago, and then the whole thing will be ended up by itself... And you know what, I never knew that they didn't, officially, break up (not like I cared, or ever thought about it.. But, Iunno, it never came up in my mind).. She used to send us letters and photos, and emails, and in those, she used to tell us about the guys she was dating... So, yea, what would you understand from that?!
Anyway, when she landed, everyone went to the main gate of the village, to congratulate her, and it was then when I've realized that I'm with Idan, and she polly doesn't even know it yet.. I've recalled about the whole story, and I didn't really feel like going there and welcome her.. Idan was like "Let's just go for a few mins, it's not nice... She's your friend...".. Yea.. Right! =.=
So we went their, and the min we got there, I felt so dumb... She got outta the car, and I was like, 'What am I doing?! Why would I wanna welcome her after what she did?!'.. Idan went toward the car, with everyone else, and I turned on the spot and went back to my room, then after a few mins he came after me, and we stayed at the dormitories.. Then, he asked me if it bothers me, if Zohar anf he will be friends again... I was like "hell no.. Why would I care?!", but was telling him to not expect me to be her friend, coz "I'm not very fond of her at the moment"..
Now it's the time to tell a thing or two about Zohar... She is.. Hmmm.. A "guys' girl"... But unlike a girl who usually just hang out with the guys, she usually *dates* our guys... lol.. She was literally with every second person in our grade... Now, the most two popular guys were Alon and Idan... She tried going for Alon, at first, but him and Bar had a long story, who started at 7th grade, and Bar, unlike me, is not very compromising (to say the least.. If to be exact, she's her worst nightmare.. Not only hers, but no one dared to mess with Bar, and definitely not when it came to Alon... lol.. I <3 her so.. xD).. Now, Zohar was a very quiet person.. You know, never made scenes, was alwayz polite, and she was never in the middle of things... But, she was in our guys' asses 24/7.. You see, we were a group, as I said, like a family, and she was like an "outsider", coz she wasn't in the boarding school, she was living in the village itself... And although we were friends, she failed to understand what our family-hood means... She was hypocrite with the girls, and alwayz changed friends and sides according to what fits her position among the guys (for ex. in 7th grade, Alon and me, we had something... Nothing much.. Just like a "beginning of something", she was my "bestest friend" then... But as I said, I was never really into it, and I wasn't ready for all these things, so it ended up very quickly.. Then, Bar took over (xD), and Zohar, all of a sudden, forgot about me and Shirley, and was Bar's bestest friend... It was obvious (later on), that her aim was Alon.. He was the only guy she haven't been with.. lol... Anyway, she's not the most trusted person when it comes to your bf.. Although, she acts so innocent, and so caring... Alwayz came with chocolates and cokes to tests, and handed out to us (guys- first! ._.), and never forgot any of the guys' bdays, and alwayz invited them at her place to see movies and such..
Now, since we were with the guys (Shirley, me, Bar, Ortal), we were alwayz invited to, but we couldn't see that it was due to our relationship with them!
Took me and Shirley time to reveal her true nature (although Bar already knew it, and Ortal is still in denial.. lol)... She really does act like an angel.. =.=
All that, and the guys never saw it, obviously, our guys (like most guys I know) lack of a good (or any) intuition.. =.=
Although, when it comes to Idan, I can't tell if he *really* didn't see it, or rather he just acted like he doesn't see it...
The following months were hell on earth.. She was everywhere, alwayz tailing Idan... It was so freaking annoying!! >__<
Quick enough, I've seen what she's aiming for, and I told Idan I don't like it.. Instead of standing by my side, he used to say "she's not like that.. We're just friends... Why aren't you supportive??! She's alwayz supportive of you... She's sorry you're not friends anymore..."
And since I know Idan, and I knew he's everything but stupid, I wasn't sure if he really believes to what he's saying or just acting dumb! I mean, 'CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT SHE'S DOING???!' She went there, saying all these "nicest" things about me, like she's reaaaaallllly sorry, and realllllly likes me, and feels bad we're not friends, so he'll feel sorry about her, and I'll get out like the mean one... And what could I say??! Telling my opinion about it all would've only made her sound even more right! I was surprised he failed to see it.. I really considered him to be an intelligent guy, which he was... I just stubbornly insisted to think he'll never do such a thing to me if he's aware of what she's doing... I mean, I'd do anything for him... How come can't he do that small thing as telling her off- for me??! I mean, if the situation was the opposite, I'd absolutely do it for him, even if I wouldn't have liked losing that friend, if it had make HIM happy, I'd do it... I mean, that's what love is all about, right?! Making your spouse happy, making sure he's satisfied... ALWAYZ put him in first place...! no?! If someone is a threat for him, I'll tell him off! If he decides not be my friend anymore, it's his problem, I'll stick by my love.. Isn't that how it's supposed to be???! >____<'
I had no problem with him having "female friends"... But she wasn't JUST a female friend.. And it was obvious.. At least, to me and to Shirley it was... Shirley totally doesn't believe in "female friends" now.. lol.. She says there's no such thing.. Maybe she's right.. =\
Anyway, we started having many fights about it... One day, I went into his room, and there he was lying on his bad, and she's sitting by his side, LEANING ALL OVER HIM!! I actually felt like *I AM* disturbing them! Like *I* had to knock!!! And I was like "Sorry to disturb you...", and I closed the door and went to my room...
He was in my room 2 mins afterwards.. "What's your problem?! We were just talking!!" Now, I was very sarcastic... I mean, I am very sarcastic.. And he was very manipulative, so our fights never ended up pretty... He was trying to convince me all the time that they are just friends.. But I didn't like the idea of him talking to her for advises and stuff... I mean, why can't you talk to me?! What's different now, then before we were "together"?! We could talk before.. Why can't we do it now?! Being "together" doesn't mean we can't be as good friends as before anymore.. On the contrary, we're supposed to be even closer..!
I mean, even if he wanted an advise about me (although I believe that problems like these can be solved by talking to your spouse.. But w/e), why going to HER?! Why not talking to someone who's not trying to poison you against me?! And, of course, she said all these pretty things about me, but I'm sure that here and there, she added something that was supposed to work against me and get straight into his subconscious... He could only repeat the good things she said in my ears.. which made me even more mad, that he fails to understand my point of view.. Wth would he be so overprotective about her??! >__<
Anyway, he had a lot of ups and downs (more downs than ups), we broke up, and got back together, and then again, and again, and again.. Until one day, I've decided it's all pointless, and there's no point of letting it linger on and on, and just suffer?! So I was ending it up, and was very determined about my decision...
It's also the longest break we had.. I was just stubbornly insisting not to even discuss it anymore..
And then on day, during the weekend, we all went out to some pub (I didn't care he's there, I was complete with my decision, and I thought that "never seeing him again in front of my eyes" wasn't gonna make anything easier, or more difficult... I wanted to cope with it rather I see him or not...
That night I got home at 5:00 in the morning, and my dad was playing his comp.. lol.. "Why so late?! I told you I need the car... bla bla bla.." I was on my way to bed, and then I got a phone call from Shay "Shirley, you HAVE TO get here!! He's drunk, and he's crying, and he's walking to your home by foot!!" (that's like from one city to the other.. -.-)...
And I was so mad.. I was tired, and I didn't like all this drama.. It was so stupid, how guys used to get drunk, and act like that whenever their gfs broke up with them.. ._.
Very annoyed, I took the keys again, my dad was deep in his game, he didn't even notice.. Thank god.. And I was on my way to "save the freakin day"...
When I got to his house, no one was there, and neither him nor Shay answered my calls, which got me even more mad...
And then, when I was about to get back to my car, I saw them getting out of another car that's just pulled over... And Shay looked very disturbed (which actually made me giggle).. And Idan.. *Sigh*Lameee... =.=
I had to draw him to bed, which was prolly what he wanted.. Coz once I'm at his house, he won't let me leave until we get back together... And that's exactly what happened.. And then we fell asleep, and I didn't even feel like answering my dad's calls.. I was sure he's hella worried, but I didn't feel like dealing with the "I told you I need the car.. Don't you care about other ppl's needs??!" lectures... lol.. He liked lecturing about caring for others... xDD
Ohh.. Great! Now I miss my dad.. x'(
Anyway, after that day, Iunno why, but it was like Zohar totally got out of our life... Everything was good again, and we were happy again...
Now, the end of the year as arrived, and he was supposed to fly to FL to his mom (his mom left to FL a year earlier.. To live by her family, with his brother and sister, while he stayed by his dad til school was over). And I was supposed to go to NY to visit my family.. Of course, it was alwayz just talking, I never really cared if I go to NY or not... But when it was sure that he's going to FL, it was sure for me that I'm going to NY... lol.. And we decided to meet in the states... He had to leave right when school ended, coz he had a.. hmm... well, in Heb, it's a "mobilization order".. I think that's the phrase... for July 14, I think, something like that... And if he stayed after that, they wouldn't let him leave the country.. He is a deserter, btw, which means that if he goes back to Israel now, he's automatically goes to jail.. xP
Anyway, I had a lot of time til my recruitment, coz I was younger than anyone by a year (I skipped a year when I was a kid), and you can't draft to the military before the age of 18.. Anyway, I was supposed to be in NY a month later, and it was dragged to two month.. I think my dad was trying to make sure that I'm going to NY to be with my family, and not to be with him.. lol.. Although my dad wasn't the kind of dad who's like "threatening" his daughter's bf or something. On the contrary, he acted really cool when they met. So did my mom.. My dad alwayz said he trusts me and my judgment, and if someone is good enough for me, he's definitely good enough for him.. But, he just didn't like the idea of his lil' girl going to a far-away country.. What's more, to be with people he doesn't know.. He only let me go coz I promised to stay by my aunt.. lol...
Anyway, Idan called me every single day, and we talked on the phone for hours... Whoa... I've just recalled of those months... We used to go out e-v-e-r-y night.. We used to go with like 4-5 cars at least, and every night we used to say "Goshhh.. If only Idan was here.. He's so missing here.."
Anywayyyyy... It was two months that I haven't seen him... In the beginning I couldn't wait to see him again.. I was alwayz so anxious, excited, sad, lonely, everything.. And with time, I kinda got used to it.. I mean, it's not like I stopped loving him.. I never did.. But I kinda got used to be far from him, and I wasn't in such a hurry to see him again face to face.. He was in my heart, and it was kinda enough for me... And we did talk every day...
Hehe.. I remember he told me he had a dream in which I cheat on him with the pool's cleaner.. And I was like "wth??!", why would I wanna look at anyone else but you?!" And he was like "I knooo.. But let's just never have them pool guys, k?".. xDD
Anyway, I was here in September, and I had a week to be with my family before he came... I got to meet all the people I talked to on the phone, and on messneger/paltalk for years.. I fell in love with my family.. lol.. I finally knew what a "family", and what "holidays with the family" (well, that part came a lil later, coz there were no holidays right after I landed here) mean... But I finally knew what a great thing a "big family" is... In Israel, I have my parents and brothers (we never kept holidays at home.. I mean, we did when I was lil, but it was never as official as it is here, and when I grew up, I refused to celebrate any of them... And my parents never argued with me.. I just did what I wanted.. I feel sorry for not celebrating these holidays with my family.. =\), and an aunt and uncle and two (now three) cousins who lives in the north of Israel, and we hardly get to see them.. I'm in a good close relationship with my cousin, though, only because we're a-l-w-a-y-s online and talking... But there's no much difference in this case rather I'm here or there... And my mom's two brothers are never in touch.. One was always moving; Israel-the Czech Republic (coz his wife is Czechoslovakian, and since she wasn't Jewish, they had a lot of problems getting her a blue ID, so he wasn't much in Israel in the last few years, and I don't have a strong connection to him)... And I haven't seen my cousins from his first wife since like.. 1996?! lol...
The other brother had a big fight with my grandma once, and they haven't been speaking for a few years.. My mom was on my grandma's "side", so I haven't seen neither him nor his kids for many years too... I don't think I'll even recognize them if I see them today.. =T
Anyway, I was fascinated by everything.. I also got a job two days after I landed.. My cousin's husband's cousin had a diamonds wholesale office.. They just opened that office.. It's a branch, actually.. The main office is in Israel, and she needed someone to help her, so I was working there with her (for two month, til she got on my nerves, and I moved to the Empires, and worked as a bookkeeper.. For Syrian Jews... lol.. I had the time of my life there.. xD)..
So during this week, I was in a sort of shock, I guess, so when Idan came, I wasn't even ready for him.. It was like I forgot he's supposed to come, and he surprised me...
When he finally came, after a week, his aunt drove him to my aunt's house... He called me, and said he's outside.. Omg.. Omgggg... When I got out, and saw him... I can't even describe the feeling.. I'm excited just from thinking about the f-e-e-l-i-n-g... Both he and I were in tears...
We spend the next month together... Sleeping by my family or his...
And then, as time for him to leave drew near, he started talking to me about "the future".. It was kinda a mix of the "near future", and the "distant future"...
He started talking to me about what we're gonna do next.. Like how are we gonna keep being together if he's in FL, and I'm in NY.. I was hella stubborn, and I wouldn't except the "distance is a problem" statement.. I was suggesting to move with him to FL, and he said it's unrealistic, and that I should focus now on the things I HAVE to do (I wanted to postponed my military service, and go to school), and that he wouldn't wanna be the one I'll "blame for ruining my life" years later.. I thought he was being a jerk for saying something like that.. He said he had to support his mom, and he can't leave her and move to NY right now (then), and that he has to get into the family business..
(They deal with diamonds too.. from the raw version of it, to jewelry stores.. When I worked with my relative, we used to exchange information, and he taught me a lot of things... You know what.. I think that's one of the materials I love the most.. It's weird.. Coz I don't consider myself to be materialistic.. But diamonds fascinates me.. To levels I can just sit and stare at them for hours...
)..Anyway, I thought it was all excuses, I didn't even stop to think where he's going to with all that.. You'd prolly think he'd wanna break up, but then, on the other hand, he was starting to argue with me on how he wants to raise our kids (...!), he was saying he wants to celebrate holidays with the kids, and he wants to have a traditional way of life.. I thought he lost his mind.. We were ALWAYZ against religion!! Wth has happened to him??! All of a sudden he wants to have holidays?! And a "traditional" way of life??! I was saying that won't EVER happen in my house! lol.. I was saying I'd give my kids the freedom to decide rather they wanna be religious or not (adding "I do not mind if they decide they wanna be religious, although it will hurt me.." rofl), but I'm not gonna *force* it on them.. And he said I'm talking nonsense, and that's not forcing, but just having a family togetherness, like we're supposed to have as Jews.. And I was like "JEWS??! O___O".. We used to say we're Atheistics/Agnostics.. What happened to that??! He told me that holidays with the family are a wonderful thing, and that he just found out about it lately.. I didn't understand that back then.. Of course, now I agree with every word... It's the best thing anyone can have.. Jewish holidays (any holidays, actually), and tradition, and family values! Now that I know what all that means, I'm never gonna give it up.. I want my kids to experience it.. To have that thing I didn't have as a kid... Or actually, I had, and was just too young to remember... Anyway, to the point... He started talking to me about how we're gonna live, and bla bla bla... One day, we we're sitting outside somewhere.. On a pavement, and he was like "Shir... You know what my aunt told me?!"
- "Hmm?"
- "She asked me; 'D'you love her?' I said 'Yes'.. 'Do you r-e-a-l-l-y love her??' I sad 'YES!'.. 'Then marry her!'"
I'm not sure what I thought at that moment, but I think I was in a real shock, coz I can't remember the rest of the conversation.. I don't know what I say, or how I reacted, but I don't think I felt so good at that moment... And I think it was shown... I prolly said something about "what my parents will say... bla bla bla?!"
Of course, when after I had time to digest it, I thought it was the best idea! But that was too late... And maybe it was good that it was too late to change my reaction... My life could have turned up totally different now, and I don't think they'd have been better... Quite the opposite, actually...
After that day, he started raising that question, of what we're gonna do, more and more.. I couldn't stand talking about it... And so we kept delaying it.. Then, on the night before his flight, we were sleeping by his aunt.. She was supposed to drop me by the subway, and then take him to the airport... In the middle of the night he woke me up, and tried talking about what we're gonna do, again! I couldn't see what's so urgent, and I got really sad with the idea, plus, I was really tired.. I just started crying, and I started packing my stuff, in order to go home.. So he said he's sorry, and we should go back to sleep.. In the morning, we had breakfast, and me, in the idea of 'I'm gonna see him again soon' kissed him briefly, and left with his aunt.. Now, I'll never know if he had a tear, or it was yet another time when his eye's tearing by itself (he had that prob with those glands.. You know, when you start tearing randomly).. *Sigh* Who knew that's gonna be the last time I'll ever see him..
He didn't call me when he got home.. And I was getting an email from Zohar.. Saying she was talking to him, and a few other things.. I can't believe I didn't see it then, but now years later, when I was recalling of that moment (coz I totally forgot about it soon after it happened), she did something.. She had a big role in the fact he didn't call me, and yet, he did talk to *her*.. And she was intentionally sending me this email, in order for me to have a fight with him over it... And that's exactly what I did.. Well, I didn't fight with him over it.. But I was quite hurt, that he talked to her, and not to me... He was calling me the next day.. Saying he was tired, and he fell asleep.. Of course I immediately raised the fact that he was talking to Zohar, so how come he couldn't take a min to talk to me too?! I don't remember his answer, but I slacked him for it... I did took it hard though.. Now, when I recall of it, it could have been that he was really innocent about it all, and it was her who was calling him, and Iunno what happened in their conv, but it might have been that he was saying he's going to sleep, and she was concluding from it he's not gonna talk to me anytime soon, and thought of sending that email to sadden me... Otherwise, for what reason would she email me?! She never emailed me before... Not since her home-coming dance in Chicago, which was a year before, and even then, it was an email she sent to everyone, and she never emailed me afterwards.. So, for what purpose was that email sent?! I replied to her, nicely (._.), and she never got back to me.. Idan was telling me she's trying to keep in touch with me, and why won't I answer her emails... What an ass... -.-
I thought it would be pointless to let him know what really happens.. He was obviously overprotective about her for a reason I couldn't understand.. I still can't..
Anyway, we kept talking to each other over the phone for like a week or two, and then I started hearing this apathy in his voice.. so I asked him "what's wrong?!"
- "Nothing.."
- "So why d'you sound like that?"
- "Like how?"
- "Like you're doing me a favor you're talking..."
- "..."
- "..."
- "Shir, it's hard for me..."
- "OMG! Not that again........"
- "What?! Can't you understand??! Isn't it hard for you too???! It's immposible to be together when we live that far from each other..."
- "But we can see each other on weekends!!"
- "Shir, be realistic.. We can't just fly every weekend.. Not even every two weeks..."
- "So what do you wanna do??! You wanna break up??! Fine! W/e!"
- "Nooo.. I don't wanna do it like that!!"
- "W/E! I'd rather not be with you, then feel like I'm forcing you to be with me!"
- "Shir, pleaseee.. Maybe in a few years, when we're both settled... Maybe then we meet and we can go on.. But now.. We can't do it..."
- "Fine.."
- "I wanna still be friends.. I wanna keep in touch.."
- "W/e... Fine..."
And we ended this phone call with a decision of keeping in touch, as friends.. I don't think I've realized what it meant.. Maybe I was in a denial.. I was sad, but not as sad as I should have been... I was more pissed, than sad, tbh...
We kept talking on the phone, as friends, and soon enough he started telling me about all these girls, that come to him, and do things to him, things that really turns him on.. I'm disgusted with the idea he had the nerves to tell me such things, and even more disgusted with the content of these things... But then, I was in love, and I didn't see it like that.. I just got hurt, and absorbed it quietly... He kept asking me, every now and then, how do I feel about it all.. If it's okay with me he's telling me all that.. I think he did it on purpose.. Trying to get me hurt enough in a way I'll forget about him... It's kinda our guys' way of getting girls to unlike them and getting themselves to unlike the girls.. It's retarded, but that's what they're all doing.. They think that if they hurt you, and you walk away, it will be easier for them to cope... Of course, it doesn't get the results they want, but only makes things harder... w/e...
Anyway, that's how it has been going on for a month.. And in the end, I couldn't bare it anymore... I've sent him a longass email (and as you can see, my emails can be l-o-n-g.. Although it was much shorter than this one.. xD), telling him how much I love him, and I know we agreed on staying friends, but I just want him to know that I love him, and he'll alwayz have a place in my heart, and bla bla...
*Sigh*
He called me the next day..
- "After such an email, I awe you the truth..."
- "... What truth?"
- "Nevermind.."
- "Nuu.. Idan, what are you talking about?"
- "Hmm.. I don't know how to say it.."
- "Just do..."
- "Well.. I've been cheating on you with Zohar... Once..."
- "..."
- "How do you feel about it?"
- "Nothing... It's irrelevant now.. Since we're not together anymore, I got nothing to do with this new information..."
My heart was, as you may guess, torn into pieces at that very moment, and I was on the verge of tears that didn't come out.. I just couldn't say anything.. I was in he biggest shock of my life.. He convinced me so well, that there's nothing going on between them.. So well, til I finally believed with all my heart that it's the truth... And, Iunno, it seems like to most people cheating is an insignificant thing.. For me, it isn't at all! For me, it's like the worst thing anyone could do to a person he loves! I mean, I never looked at anyone else.. Never even faced a situation where I'm considering such a thing, not even a situation where I had to say to myself "No, I love him.. I can't do it to him..." It was like a default thing in me.. "I love him.. I'm with him.. I don't care about anyone else (not in the romantic aspect, anyway).. Period." Never had to think twice.. Never cared about these things... Never such a thought has crossed my mind.. The idea itself never accured to me... So to hear something like that.. After I believed with all my heart that he loves me, and would never do such a disrespectful, harmful thing that will only make me feel inferior to her... Why would someone do such a thing to a person he loves?! Why would he let me feel inferior to someone else?! Doesn't he supposed to make me feel like I'm better than anyone else?! Doesn't he care?! Maybe guys (or girls) don't think through their actions that far.. Giving up for that lust, or whatever it is that makes them do such things.. But, Iunno, I think that if you love someone, you shouldn't even face such a situation to begin with.. Maybe if their heads are like really blank, and that's the only thing that can fill the empty space.. =\
I think there are two types of people- cheaters, and loyal people- And by loyal people, I don't mean people who ponder about cheating, and then have to somehow make themselves not to.. By loyal people, I mean people who don't even have that idea rising in their heads- ever! I mean, I have my head focusing on like a million other things that interest me... When will I even have time for such a ridiculous topic?! People say I'm naive... Saying "all guys are like that".. I refuse to believe it's true... I know there are people who aren't like that, coz *I* am NOT like that, and it can't be that I'm the only one in this whole freakin planet who's like that, right?! So there must be more people who are the same.. Then there's alwayz this stupid answer "But you're a girl.. You don't know how a guy's mind work.."
Errrr.. Like girls don't cheat!! Just as there are girls who cheat, and there are piles of them, there are guys who do not! >__<
I can't accept another truth, coz that would be like accepting I'll never be happy again.. I don't wanna believe in that.. That's all I live for... I want a family.. I want a good family.. Not one that will break down after a few or many years of marriage.. If that's really the case, then what am I living for?! For being alone all my life??!
Great now, I'm tearing!! Dx
Errr.. I hate being so emotional.. >___<
So anyway, my point is that there should be another base for things- Loyalty. Loyal people with loyal people. Cheaters with cheaters. No mixing up between the two.
And now back to the conversation..
So, yea, I had my heart pounding, and I started feeling that ache, like your heart is getting smaller and smaller, and tighter.. til you can hardly breathe...
He mumbled something about not telling her he told me that, coz she'll feel bad, and it's not her fault, and that she deeply regretted it... Pfft... And then he went on, thinking I'm taking it easy...
- "Okayyy... So there's one more thing..."
'One more thing?! what can be worse than that??!' I was thinking...
- "... What is it?"
- "Nevermind..."
- "Nu.. Idan, you already said you got something, so just say it!"
- "Fine... Fine... A few month after we first slept together... I only stayed with you for the sex..."
At that moment, I couldn't breath, I couldn't move, I didn't feel my body... My tears finally found their way out.. They were still inside struggling to get out from the first bomb he dropped on me, that now looked like a tiny tiny cap...
I don't know what I said.. I think he asked me 'what I feel about it' again, but I'm not sure... I was trying to hide my voice, I remember that.. But I think I was focusing on it too much, that I couldn't concentrate on what I was saying, and therefore, I don't remember the end of the conversation... Or rather I mix up this reaction with my reaction to his first confession.. Tbh, I can't remember if I was still holding the handset...
The conversation ended somehow... Apparently, with a decision to keep being "just friends"! Iunno why the hell was such a decision made.. But we did keep talking afterwards...
In the following two weeks, I swear, if my family wasn't there, and I haven't felt so ashamed, I hadn't had been moved outta bed at all..
The following day, I had to drag myself to work.. I looked like hell, and I got their in my trainings, my relative went totally confuzzled... I told her I don't feel good, and I think I'm sick... And she said I can't appear in trainings.. You see, I was her manager, part of my job was to transfer diamonds from one place to the another, and meet with clients (as a representative of the office, I could definitely not appear like that to work).. This week was the hardest week in my life.. I had to force myself do general stuff, that usually I used to do without any problem.. It was a hell for me... When I wasn't at work, I was in bed, and over the weekends, I didn't join my family on their trips, I just stayed in bed all day... I didn't even cry... I just stayed their either asleep or watching numbly at.. something...
The weird thing is that in one day, it was all gone! Like I fell asleep one night, and in the following morning I was a new person.. Although, ever since then I suffer from seasonal depressions.. I don't know if it has something to do with that.. But I thought about it one time, why am I having these depressions (that's when I figured out I'm not supposed to experience such feelings.. I mean, those feelings aren't a normal thing in people's everyday lives).. I mean, I've noticed they just pop out of the blue.. Like, sure, there's gotta be something that would trigger them, but it can be such a minor thing, that usually won't bother me at all, but on those specific times, gets me in such a down, which leads to a serious depression.. When I thought about it, I couldn't think of even one case before that "pleasant" moment, that I was depressed.. I was sad a lot of times, but I was never depressed to a level I couldn't get outta bed, or had thoughts of killing myself... Oh, well.. Iunno if that's the cause, but.. w/e...
So, as I said, we kept in touch, and I wasn't as sad as before when I talked to him.. At times I was even disgusted... I thought everything I had to him has faded in these two weeks.. I was wrong, obviously, but then it was much easier for me to talk to him.. I was prolly in a denial.. But I was happy, nevertheless...
I went out at him one time, but it was only for a moment, and then I calmed down... I was saying how could he do such a thing?! I was a pure girl, and he just came and "stained" me.. When I was younger, I was living in a pink bubble of the first person I'll be with, will also be the last one... It was like he ruined that dream... It was so hard to make peace with this fact... He, on his behalf, claimed that "it was one time! And we were high! We never meant for it to happen!" And "I did love you, but in the end, it felt like that's the only thing left!" He was trying to soften things, but he actually made everything worse, coz if before I had a doubt, and thought he might have said everything just coz he tried hurting me, now this doubt was totally gone, coz what he was saying now, made much more sense.. I mean, the way he was saying it- He sounded much more sincere... We kept in touch for the next few month, in the end of them, I told him I'm going back to Israel to do my military service.. I had a date to my recruitment already.. April '04! =}
And I was so excited.. All my friends were serving by then, and they all had these special experiences, and all knew how to use a M-16 (lol.. too much video games makes you excited over these things. xD), and all had a really good time, and good laughs over there.. I couldn't wait to start my own service..
That was our last conversation.. Ohh.. No.. The last one was after I was already in Israel, I've heard from Tamir, or Shay, or someone, that he had an accident, and went through a surgery (a plastic one, from what I've understood)... Well, in the beginning I kinda rejoiced at his downfall..
You know, one time when we were still together in Israel, I was asking him "Idan, what will happen if.. let's say.. I go through an accident, and I lose a leg or an arm, or my entire face will get twisted... Will you still be with me and love me? Or will you leave me? Or will you stay with me out of pity?", and he just looked annoyed and said "What with these nonsense.. I don't wanna think about such things...", and then I said "If such a thing will happen to you, if you lose an arm, a leg or your entire face, I'd still be with you, and love you, coz I really really love you.. I know that now.."
Anyway, after feeling a lil' ''serves you, Idan!', I felt kinda bad for him, and for me feeling like that, and I called him to check how he is... He told me what happened, that he and two friends were on the jet ski, and he was "driving", and they were too many, and all of a sudden there was a big wave, and he lost control, and flew in the air, and dropped right on the jet ski, banged his head, and lost consciousness in the water... The next thing he remembers was him waking up on the beach, surrounded by ppl, and having a weird feeling in his face... And then he realized he got no teeth.. He wasn't really talking about his face itself, so I'm not sure rather he was really going through a plastic surgery or it was just a rumor.. But that didn't matter in the dream I had a few months later (yea.. months.. I kept loving him for the next 3 years after that.. 3 years, that ended up just 3 months before I arrived at the states again, actually.. Although it wasn't sequential, and most of the time I kept living my life without even thinking about him, he did come up in my head every now and then, 'specially when I had to face romantic issues)...
I was dreaming we're all sitting in our common room, watching TV, talking and laughing.. The place is noisy like alwayz, and then, Idan enters the room all of a sudden... His hair is all burnt out, and he has those bald spots all over.. And his face are totally scarred and nothing looks like it's in its original place, and his clothes are all torn, and dirty, like he came out of a fire.. Not an accident in the water.. lol..
And he came to me and said that he's sorry for everything he did to me, and for everything he said, and that they were never true, and that he only said them coz he thought it will help us both dropping this relationship, and that he never meant them, and that he loves me, and that he can't keep living like that.. And then, he proposed to me... And if it was possible to cry in a dream, I'd be soaked with tears by then, and I said "Yes"... And that's how I know that when I told him, I'd alwayz love him, no matter what, it was a real honest feeling, that came from a deep place in my heart...
I made a lot of mistakes in this relationship, I'm well aware of them (of most of them, if not of all).. I was a whiny, arrogant, annoyingly stubborn bish, who never knew how exactly to "give" in a relationship.. I'm not saying everything that happened was my fault, don't get me wrong.. But looking back, maybe he was right, maybe nothing was really left there, 'cept for.. nothing.. I can't even remember anymore... Maybe all that was really left was my image of love, and the feeling of love in me for something that wasn't there anymore.. Maybe it wasn't *him* that I couldn't get over, maybe it was *that* feeling... I'm not sure if that's how things were really, or I was just repeating what he said so many times in my head, that I actually started believing in them myself..
I was so young and immature... My whole perspective in life was immature, and I was still insisting that I know better than anyone.. I guess that's a part of being a teenager.. ._.
I had my conclusions, and I've learnt a lot from my mistakes, I believe.. Maybe this relationship wasn't a waste after all... And anyway, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, right? Even if a lil depressed every now and then.. xD
Gosh, I've been through so much later on, and I never forgot about him... Every time I saw a picture, or someone was raising his name, I had that "eclipse of the heart".. And the fact that the Zohar-Idan story never came to an end, and for some reason everyone felt like they should inform me of every stupid little detail about them, didn't help much... But I think that now I'm in a point where I can't say with all my heart, that I'm over it.. Finally..
Although, to be perfectly honest, I do still think sometimes what it would be like if we ever meet again.. xP
But the version of this "meeting" ever changes.. And now, not only that I find myself thinking about it v-e-r-y rarely, but also, I can't even think about what might happen, it's more like I'm being lazy of thinking of such unimportant things... I think it says a lot about where I'm standing now when it comes to him..
Even with all that said, I hope to fall in love again.. Coz it's a really great feeling.. And after having it, now having my heart all available, makes me feel lonely... =[
~
Well, fuk. I just re-read it all. ._.
It sounds really bad, coz I didn't take my time to talk about all the good things that were in our relationship. It might look like there was no love there at all- on his side. There was. I can assure you, he was in love with me. Maybe he really didn't at the very end of our relationship, but he was very much in love through the all thing. We had a really good time, like every other in love couple.
Edit: Rofl. I've just realised how long this shit is! XDD
